Goodbye My Love
by seventeensteps
Summary: You have no idea, John Hamish Watson.


At first, Sherlock just sit there in his black armchair and stared for days on end at the red armchair in front of him.

A _vacant_ red armchair.

And then he just couldn't stand the emptiness that stared right back at him, so Sherlock had to put the chair away.

He also couldn't stand anyone else sitting in that chair. Ever since John Watson sit in it, it belonged only to him and him alone.

When John walked into the room and said the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of, Sherlock nearly said something he'd regret.

"Hey, what happened to my chair?"

_It's too empty._

"It was blocking my view to the kitchen."

"Well it's good to be missed!"

_You were gone, I miss you, and it hurts to see that armchair without its rightful occupant._

"You were gone, I saw an opportunity."

"No, you saw the kitchen."

_I see emptiness._

After the red light turned to blue and the screen faded to black, Sherlock stopped smiling.

"You see, as long as there's people, there's always a weak spot."

"That was Janine." John looked at him incredulously.

"Yes, of course it was Jenine. She's Magnussen's PA." John didn't seem to understand the whole point he was making. Janine happened to be CAM's PA and he used that to his advantage. What more did John want from him?

"Sherlock, she loves you!"

"Yes. Like I said, human error."

_I made an error too._

'_It's raining, it's pouring, Sherlock is boring._

_I'm laughing, I'm crying, Sherlock is dying.'_

_Hurts. Everything hurts._

'_Come on, Sherlock. Just die, why can't you? One little push and off you pop._

_You're going to love being dead, Sherlock. No one ever bothers you.'_

_It's so dark… so dark in here…_

'_Mrs. Hudson will cry… and Mummy and Daddy will cry… and the Woman will cry and John will cry buckets and buckets. It's him that I worry about the most. That wife! You're letting him down, Sherlock.'_

…_John?_

'_John Watson is definitely in danger.'_

_No!_

"Because you chose _her_."

_Oh, John, how I was truly happy for your happiness, and I still am._

_But I can't help thinking that if only I came back sooner…_

_Will things turn out any differently?_

"Since this is likely to be the last conversation I'll have with John Watson, would you mind if we took a moment?" Mycroft did seem surprised by this request, Sherlock could see from the way his brother quirked his eyebrows. He nodded curtly to his men, they all walked away and left Sherlock and John standing there, not quite dare to look each other in the eyes yet.

John nodded at him, the corners of his mouth stretched into a small smile.

"So here we are." He cleared his throat, looking like he had no clue what to do now that they were alone.

"William Sherlock Scott Holmes," Sherlock said.

"Sorry?"

"That's the whole of it. If you're looking for baby names."

John gave him a big grin at that. "No, we've had a scan, we're pretty sure it's a girl."

"Oh. Okay."

An awkward silence.

"You know, actually, I can't think of a single thing to say."

"No, neither can I."

"The game is over."

"The game is never over, John. But there may be some new players now. That's okay, the East Wind takes us all in the end."

"What's that?" John asked, his head cocked a little to one side.

Sherlock explained it to him, and he asked where was he to go now, and for how long. He told him about the undercover work in Eastern Europe and said that it would take him around six months. Sherlock left the 'and then someone's going to kill me' part out because he knew that it would bother John, that John would be worried and sad. He did not want John to be worried and sad this time. He wanted John to smile at him in these last seconds and he was going to cherish every part of it.

"John, there's something I should say, I've meant to say always and I never have. Since it's unlikely we'll ever meet again, I might as well say it now."

_I love you._

"Sherlock is actually a girl's name."

_I love you._

"It's not." John laughed a little and smiled at him.

_Yes, please keep on laughing and smiling and be happy. I've never been able to say those words, and, now that it's come to this, I won't be able to tell you that forever. If I say those words right at this moment, everything will be shattered. Your smile will vanish and happiness will fade. Anything can't be started for it's about to end._

_So I'll keep saying it in my mind that I love you._

"It was worth a try."

_I love you._

"We're not naming our daughter after you."

_I love you._

"Oh, I think it could work."

_You have no idea how much I want this to work, John Hamish Watson._

Sherlock took off his glove and held out his hand. _I love you_. "To the very best of times, John." _To the words I can never say._ John looked down at the extended hand, looked up and met his eyes, and then took it into his. _This is another thing I love about you._ A firm handshake Sherlock was sure he'd miss. _I love your hands._ The hand Sherlock had held through good times and bad times, and wanted so bad to hold forever.

He looked at John's face one last time, and it struck him so hard he wanted to just scream it in John's face.

_I love you. I love you. I love you so much. Oh, I love you, I love you, love you, love you, love you._

If he said it to himself enough times, he'd be able to lock it inside for good.

_I love you._

Sherlock let go of the hand of John Watson, his _best friend_, always had been and forever will be.

_I love you._


End file.
